Miracles, Big and Small
by Forlay
Summary: As the war goes on, Rachel and Tobias look for a way to be a normal teenage couple, but when Rachel gets pregnant, it seems obvious that tragedies are attracted to them.


_Author's Notes: Oh my goodness, I'm back in the realm of writing for my favorite het couple! It's been a long time, huh? But I have to warn you, I don't treat them very nice in this fic. That's all the warning I'm giving you: it gets kind of dark and depressing near the end there, despite the warm and fuzzy title._   
_This fic goes out to my friend Kristin, I've been keepin' ya' in my thoughts, hon, and I always will. You're truly the miracle._   
__

Miracles, Big and Small

By: Forlay

I sighed as I walked around the perimeter of the open meadow in the Valley. It was nearly dark and I knew better than anyone how well Tobias could hide himself.   
I stopped when I returned to the row of cabins. I'd started my walk behind Loren's cabin and it was to her cabin I'd returned, and yet I hadn't seen any sign of Tobias.   
That was when I saw the door to Loren's cabin open and silhouetted by candle light was Tobias. "I'll see you later," he called over his shoulder. "Rachel! What are you doing here?" He closed the door to the cabin and came up next to me.   
I did my best to smile. "I've been looking for you. I probably should have started here, rather than the woods, huh? I could hear the bitterness in my voice.   
Tobias looked at the ground. "Yeah. I guess."   
I put an arm around his waist. "C'mon, I haven't gotten to spend time with you lately." We began to walk through the woods, arm in arm. It almost felt normal.   
"Is this really just about not spending much time together?" Tobias asked after a few minutes of walking.   
I sighed. "Not entirely."   
Tobias stopped and pulled me around to face him. "Then what is it?"   
"I just needed someone to talk to. You're really the only one I can talk to."   
"No I'm not. Cassie's always there for you, you know that."   
I shook my head. "No. I'm not sure I'll be able to really talk to her again. I don't know how much I'll be able to trust her. I'm sure she doesn't really trust me much either."   
"You know Cassie would never feel that way. Not about you."   
"But who am I, Tobias? I'm not the girl who grew up as Cassie's best friend. We're completely different people now, all of us are...but I look in the mirror and I hardly recognize the girl who looks back at me." Much to my dismay, tears began to run down my cheeks.   
Tobias looked panicked for a moment, but recovered quickly. "I still recognize you, Rachel. And you're still the girl I fell in love with way back when we were both in school."   
I smiled through my tears. That was the absolute sweetest thing anyone had ever said to me. "You can still see her in me?"   
Tobias nodded and gave me a hesitant kiss as an answer.   
Before he could pull away, I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him back. It had been so long since we'd last kissed, and then it had been a "Thank-God-You're-Alive" kiss, and I was so emotionally screwed up now that my instincts took over, and they weren't going to let Tobias out of my arms any time soon.   
He was shocked at first and tensed up, but he began to relax, putting his arms around my waist. We stood for only a moment before we began to sink to the ground, and curious hands found, and began undoing, shirt buttons.   
It wasn't until he was reaching for my bra clasp that Tobias' brain caught up with...other parts of his anatomy that appeared to be doing the thinking for him. He lifted his head and looked at my face. "Maybe we shouldn't -" he began, but I pulled him back down and silenced him with a kiss. That settled any possible arguments he may have had. 

****

*** Our first time together was hardly our last. We snuck away to the woods every evening we could. It was hardly the most comfortable place, but it was the best we could do under the circumstances.   
And it's not like we had sex every time we met. Sometimes we just talked or made out innocently. It was as close to a normal relationship we'd ever had. It was comforting to know he was always there for me. I'd begun to have doubts if anyone in the group could like, let alone love, me after some of my recent behavior. He proved that someone could.   
However, my mother began to get suspicious of all the time i was suddenly spending with Tobias. She knew we cared for eachother and were even kinda-sorta going out, but since coming to the Valley we'd never had much time together, until we recently started _making_ time.   
"Rachel, I need to talk to you," she said one morning after breakfast.   
"Sure, what's up?" I asked. We had been out in the meadow, but she led me back to our cabin and sat me down at our kitchen table before she began talking.   
"You've been spending a lot of time with that Tobias boy lately," she said casually. "Where have you two been going?"   
I shrugged. "Just into the woods."   
"And what do you do...in the woods?"   
I prayed that the heat I felt in my face wasn't showing as a blush. "We...talk and...stuff."   
Her uncanny mother radar went off then, knowing I wasn't telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. "Dare I ask what 'stuff' entails?" She shook her head and sat across the table from me. "I ask because I'm concerned, Rachel. I don't want to be an overbearing mother who pries into her daughter's private matters wantonly, but you're not exactly an average daughter, and I mean that in a good, way," she added with a smile. "I just don't want you two getting in over your head."   
"A little late for that, don't you think?"   
"You know what I mean, Rachel," she scolded. "Just...oh this has to be one of the hardest moments in a mother's life. Just promise me you'll be careful. Don't get hurt. I won't tell you what to do or not to do. You can make decisions like this on your own." She sighed, "Has anything I said made sense?"   
I smiled and walked around the table to hug her. "Yeah, Mom, it did. Thanks for caring."   
She hugged me back. "I do my best." 

****

*** Three weeks later, I wasn't feeling so happy. For the fourth morning in a row, I woke up before anyone else in my cabin and had to run to the trench we used as a toilet to throw up. When I was finished, I had to stop at the stream to rinse out my mouth and hope I got back before anyone else was awake. No such luck. When I returned to the cabin, Mom was waiting at the door for me.   
"I think we need to have another talk," she said flatly. I nodded sullenly and took my place at the table.   
"Your sisters are still asleep so don't worry about them eavesdropping." Mom sat next to me. "Pardon my bluntness, but I need to know: is there any chance that you're pregnant, Rachel?"   
I couldn't look at her. I stared down at my hands and said quietly, "A chance, I guess."   
"So I guess I know what 'stuff' you do with Tobias now," Mom said softly. I couldn't tell what emotion she was conveying there. Anger? Sadness? Regret? Some other emotion, or a combination? My mother could be a mystery sometimes, especially to me. "How long has this been going on?"   
I shrugged. "Two months maybe?"   
Mom nodded. "Well, there probably isn't a sure fire way for us to know until you actually start to show, but maybe Aisha could help. She may be a vet, but she's the closest thing we have to a doctor in this damn Valley."   
"Save for my mother."   
Mom and I turned around in our chairs to see Toby Hamee standing in the door way. I felt Mom beside me stiffen. She still wasn't entirely comfortable around the Hork-Bajir. Toby ducked beneath the door frame and approached us. "I'm sorry, I did not mean to intrude, but I saw Rachel was ill earlier and brought her a bark we've found helps nausea. I happened to over hear your conversation waiting at the door. My mother may not know much about humans and their reproduction, but she has delivered almost every young Hork-Bajir in this Valley. I'm sure she would be more than willing to assist in any way possible."   
Mom started to speak. "I'm sure she would but -"   
I put a hand on her arm to cut her off then turned to Toby. "I'd appreciate any help your mother could give me. Thanks."   
Toby nodded and smiled, which caused Mom to draw ever further away from Toby, which I couldn't blame her for. "My mother will be available whenever you need her." Toby set a small bundle of bark strips on the counter. "Boil these in water to make a tea, it works well for us, I'm sure it will help you too." She nodded to my mother and left.   
"Rachel, what do you mean -"   
"Mom," I interrupted. "I know what you're going to say. I know you don't like or trust the Hork-Bajir, but Ket Helpak, Toby's mother, is one of the sweetest Hork-Bajir you'll ever meet. If Toby has confidence in her, then so do I."   
"I'd much rather have you go to Aisha," Mom grumbled.   
"I will," I assured her. "After all, she's the closest thing we have to a human doctor, she knows a heck of a lot more than Ket about human medicine. I'll even go to her first if it will make you feel better."   
"Much." She glanced out the window. "And luck seems to be with us now. Cassie and her father just left their cabin. So I'd assume Aisha is there alone now."   
"What? You want me to go _now_?"   
"Well, it's ultimately your choice, but I think you need to start planning for this as soon as possible. You need to tell the others, because there is no way you're going to morph while pregnant. I don't even want to imagine what could happen. And there are so many risk factors involved in a teen pregnancy that you should get the best care you possibly can as soon as you can."   
I sighed. She was right and we both knew it. "Okay, I'll go." I began to leave, but Mom stopped me.   
"I don't want to seem harsh, Rachel. I hope you know that, no matter what, I love you."   
I smiled. "I know, Mom." I gave her a hug and walked towards Cassie's cabin.   
I didn't bother knocking when I reached the cabin, no one in the Valley did unless it was real early or late. i opened the door and stuck my head inside. "Aisha?"   
"come in, Rachel! I'll be there in a sec." I entered the kitchen and waited for Aisha to come out of her bedroom.   
"I'm not disturbing you or anything, am I? 'Cause I can come back -"   
Aisha entered the kitchen then. "No, I was just finishing getting dressed. What can I do for you?"   
"You might want to sit down for this. It's...kind of complicated." Aisha and I sat at the table while I told her the story.   
"Well, you know I'm not qualified to work with humans," Aisha said when I finished. "But...I suppose we all have to make adjustments, don't we? I'll help in any way I can, but I'm afraid that's going to be pretty limited. I don't have any equipment or medicine."   
"That's where the Hork-Bajir come in," I said. "Toby came by earlier and offered her mother's help. I guess Ket is a pretty good midwife. I figure with her knowledge of the herbs and stuff I'm sure she uses to help Hork-Bajir mothers and your knowledge of human childbirth and any medical tips you may have, I'll be in pretty good shape."   
Aisha nodded thoughtfully. "Y'know, you're handling this awfully well. I was a mess when I found out I was pregnant with Cassie, and I had been praying for months I'd get pregnant."   
I shrugged. "I've already had my allotted time to freak out. First the missed period then the morning sickness. I've watched enough TV to figure out what was happening. I did a lot of crying when I first began to suspect, and then had to begin thinking about how to tell everyone."   
"And how do you plan on doing that?"   
"I still haven't figured that out," I admitted.   
Aisha leaned over and gave me a hug. "You've always been a strong girl, Rachel, you'll get through this easy."   
"Thanks," I told her. "For everything." I let go of her and stood. "I think I'm gonna go find Ket. Let her know she has a new patient." 

****

***  It took some searching, but I found Ket in the caves, of all places. She was sitting amidst and array of bark and plant cuttings. "Hello, Rachel," she greeted. "Toby tell me you come. Say you need Ket's help."   
I nodded. "I think I do, anything. I think I'm pregnant."   
"Come. Sit." Ket made room for me on the ground next to her. I sat down and she carefully placed her taloned hands on my stomach. .Then she gently felt my head, throat chest and knees. I had no idea what the hell she was doing, but she looked like she was concentrating so hard I didn't dare ask.   
"Yes," she finally announced. "You have baby."   
"What? How can you tell?"   
Ket smiled what I swear was a coy smile. "Ket knows. Ket always knows. How long?"   
"How long what?"   
"How long baby born?"   
"You mean how long _before_ my baby's born?" I shrugged. "It usually takes nine months, but I don't know when I got pregnant. It could be seven or eight months until I go into labor."   
Ket nodded gravely. "Yes, Toby tell me humans take long time. Hork-Bajir baby born two months."   
"_Two_?" Ket nodded. I knew Hork-Bajir matured quickly, but I didn't think it was _that_ fast. No wonder the number of young Hork-Bajir seemed dis-proportionately large.   
"Toby give you bark? Help _mousanth_?"   
"I don't know about _mousanth_, but she gave me some bark for the morning sickness."   
"Good. Here more." Ket gave me a large handful of bark. "You'll need."   
"Great," I said, mostly to myself. To Ket I said, "Thanks. You're a big help. I'll see you later." As I left the cave, I shook my head in amusement at myself. Xena was thanking a 'walking salad shooter' for anti nausea tea. And I hadn't even thought twice about it. What did that say for my mental state?   
While I was blinking rapidly to readjust my eyes to the bright light, a hawk landed in a tree branch above me.   
Hey there, > Tobias greeted. What were you doing in there? >   
"Meeting one of my boy friends," I joked. "I have a hot date tonight."   
Abandoning me for another guy? Well, good. Now I don't have to feel guilty about my date with a super model tonight. >   
I laughed, but cut myself short. Since I had his attention, now would be as good a time as any to tell him. "Come down here a moment. Morph. I've got to talk to you." I don't know if he was simply growing more comfortable with his human morph or he knew from my abrupt change in tone this was something big, but he complied quickly. When he completed the morph, he took my hand and led me to sit under the tree.   
"What's up?"   
I took a deep breath. No reason to avoid the issue. "I'm pregnant.   
I swear Tobias' jaw almost hit the dirt. "What?"   
"That's why I was in the cave. Ket Helpak is apparently the Hork-Bajir midwife and by means I'll never understand, confirmed what I've been suspecting for a while now."   
"A while? How long is 'a while'?"   
I shrugged. "A month?"   
Tobias looked about ready to faint. "A month," he repeated in a voice hardly more than a whisper. "Uh, who else knows?"   
"Mom and Aisha. Mom wanted me to see her first because she's the closest we have to a human doctor. Between her and Ket I'm sure I'll be in good hands."   
"Yeah," Tobias agreed, but he didn't sound too positive. "So how and when will you tell the others?"   
"I've been trying to figure _that_ out for a month," I admitted.   
"Well, I was actually looking for you because Jake called a meeting, just Animorphs. We could tell them then."   
I nodded. "Sounds as good as anything I've come up with."   
"Let's go then." We stood and walked hand in hand to the small clearing we used for our meetings.   
We were the last to arrive, a fact Marco was quick to point out. "Wonder what kept you two away," he said with a snide grin. I punched his shoulder, hard enough to make him nearly fall over. I was exactly in the mood to put up with his comments, I was too nervous.   
"Ow," Marco muttered as he glared at me and rubbed his shoulder. "Anyway, why are we here?"   
"Nothing important," Jake admitted. "I just thought we should get together and...talk. We've kind of split up lately, spending time alone or...in exclusive groups," that part being directed at Tobias and me. "We need to work well together if we want to wind this, we can't avoid each other."   
Marco gave his best friend a long look. "You aren't behind this meeting, are you?"   
"What?"   
"Jake, you're my best friend and all, but you're not this perceptive."   
Jake sighed. "Does it matter who came up with the idea?"   
Marco shrugged. "Not really. Just pointing stuff out to you. That's usually my job."   
"If you must know, Cassie suggested it."   
"Good. Both of our couples are back together, once again leaving Ax and me as the only bachelors."   
There was a moment of silence before Jake finally said, "Well, come on! Talk! Let's at least _pretend_ we're back in the old days where meetings were interrupted at random with random comments."   
Tobias and I exchanged glances and he nodded at me. This was my cue. I cleared my throat. "Well, this isn't what I'd call a 'random comment,' but now seems as good a time as any to tell you guys that I'm pregnant."   
No one said anything for a moment. Cassie and Jake were obviously shocked, they looked a lot like Tobias had when I told him. Marco was shocked too, but he was covering it with a sardonic grin. Ax...was unreadable to me, as usual.   
"Well," I finally said to break the silence. "Someone say something."   
"Congratulations," Marco said, no sign now of his earlier sarcasm. "Yeah, I'm serious. I mean, it's pretty shocking but...well, babies are good things."   
"Except when you're in the middle of fighting a war," Jake said darkly. "This wasn't exactly the smartest thing you've ever done, Rachel."   
"No shit, Sherlock," I said, in no mood for his condescending attitude. "We didn't exactly plan this."   
"I would certainly hope not. Do you know how bad this is for us? For the next nine months, you're not going to be able to help us at all. We just lost a fighter because you two couldn't control your hormones!"   
"Jake," Cassie reprimanded, gently but firmly. "I think they understand that." She turned to me and Tobias. "What are you two going to do?"   
I explained to them all the arrangements I'd made with Aisha and Ket.   
"Maybe this could work after all," Jake said like he was thinking out loud. "With a 'midwife' to help you out, she must know some ways to naturally abort the baby."   
Now it was my turn for my mouth to drop open in shock. In fact, everyone, including Ax, turned on Jake immediately. Tobias was the first to ask what all of us were thinking.   
"What the _hell_ are you talking about?!"   
Jake winced, probably - hopefully - realizing how much of an ass he sounded like. "Well, I can't imagine Rachel really _wants_ to stop fighting for nine months, or longer, and do you two really think -"   
"Don't you _dare_ presume what I do and don't want," I interrupted. "Yes, having an abortion of some kind has crossed my mind, more than once actually, but I can't believe you'd actually _suggest_ it! I don't _want_ to stop fighting, not when it's getting as intense as it has been lately, but we're always saying how much we've grown up during this war, well, having an abortion seems like a step back from the maturity I've gained. I made the decisions that led up to this pregnancy, I've got to live with them." Cassie nodded at me, obviously proud of my decision. Tobias put an arm around my shoulder, lending his support as well.   
Jake sighed. "Fine, guess no one else gives a damn about the welfare of this army."   
"That's not fair, Jake," Cassie said. "We all care, none of us want to loose any more ground in this war, but think about what you just asked of Rachel! Yeah, she and Tobias made some choices that probably weren't the best considering the situation, but they're being responsible and taking care of it the best they can. Rachel has a _child_ growing inside her, a human being. It's always been our policy to avoid killing human controllers, would you be willing to kill an innocent child?"   
"It's not a child yet. It can't be very old -"   
"It's age doesn't matter," I said vehemently. "I already view this as a child. _My _child. I could no sooner kill it than I could Sara or Jordan."   
I must agree with Rachel and Cassie, Prince Jake, > Ax chimed in. Killing a child is the greatest crime on my world, no matter the age or stage of development. >   
Jake threw his hands up in exasperation. "Fine! Forget I said anything."   
Cassie put a gently hand on Jake's shoulder and opened her mouth to speak, but she shook her head and came over to sit next to me. She gave me a hug. "Marco's right. Congratulations are in order. I...I can't say I don't wish this had happened later, at least after we finished, but I'm glad you two are taking responsibility." She smiled. "I kinda wish we could leave the Valley so we could go shopping like we used to plan."   
I laughed. "You'd be willing to go shopping?"   
"Well, it'd be for a worthy cause," Cassie said indignantly, but she was smiling.   
Marco came over and gave Tobias a punch on the shoulder. "Congrats for you too," he said with a sly wink. Tobias smiled self consciously. I rolled my eyes. _Men!_   
Ax also had to add in his congratulations. Even under the most adverse of circumstances, a child is something to celebrate. >   
I nodded to Ax and looked back to Jake, wondering what his response would be now, but he was gone. Probably didn't want to face my wrath. Too bad for him. Because when I caught him alone...he was going to catch hell. 

***  That evening at dinner, I told the rest of the adults my news. Everyone seemed to take it well. The only person I was really concerned about was Loren. I'd been resentful towards her ever since we moved to the Valley. Tobias spent most of his time with her while she didn't make any sacrifices to be him. He almost trapped himself in his human morph a few times to be with her and she didn't seem to care. Yet now that she was going to be the grandmother of my child...her opinion suddenly counted for more.   
But I shouldn't have worried. Despite my personal opinion of her, I knew she was a good woman. She was, in fact, the first person to get up to hug me and promise her support, no matter what. In that moment she was holding me, I felt more accepted than I had around any of the Animorphs - except Tobias, of course - or even my mother. First I thought it was because Loren hardly knew me, and vice versa, she had no way to judge me. Then I remembered she'd worked on a crisis hotline. No doubt she'd heard from dozens of girls who were pregnant, and probably weren't as lucky as I was to have a large group of people who, for the most part, accepted me, faults and all.   
After dinner I caught up with Jake as he left the table.   
"I know what you're going to say. I don't want to hear it," he told me coldly.   
"Well, you're gonna have to," I said firmly, stepping in front of him to keep him from getting away. "What made you think you could make decisions of life and death for me?"   
"Isn't that a little melodramatic?"   
"Not to me. So answer me."   
"I was looking out for the welfare of the group. You're an important member, we couldn't do half the things we do without you. And with the war escalating as much as it has we can't afford to loose even one member. But what am I telling you this for? I already explained myself."   
"Not good enough for my liking. I know you've always been stubborn and responsible and you'd never end up in a situation like Tobias and I are in, but just pretend for a moment that we're talking about you and Cassie instead of me and Tobias. Would you ask her to kill her child?" Jake stared at me. "Mm-hm. I thought so. You hadn't even considered my feelings when you made your suggestion. I always knew there was a limit to your brilliant strategizing."   
"Hey, now -"   
"Rachel!" Jake and I turned around to see Tobias coming towards us. "And Jake. Hi." He put an arm around my waist. "Everything okay?"   
"Yeah," I answered. "Jake and I were just...talking."   
"Am I interrupting?"   
"No," Jake said. "You two go along. We can talk later, Rachel." He sounded disturbed. I guess I had given him a lot to think about. With out another word he stalked off.   
"What's up?" I asked Tobias.   
"Nothing. I just saw you and Jake together and figured I'd better intervene before blood was shed."   
I smiled and put my arm around his waist. "You always were looking out for me. Thanks."   
"Don't mention it."   
Out of habit we began walking towards the woods, but we caught ourselves at the same time and began laughing.   
"Guess no more late night meetings for awhile." I couldn't quite read his tone. He could have just been stating a fact, but I also had to remember that Tobias was a guy, I wouldn't put it past him to be mourning the sex.   
"I don't think my mom's going to knowingly let me be alone with you for awhile. So I guess we better make the best of the time we have." Oh, that didn't come out right....   
"How so?"   
I recovered from my gaffe quickly, praying Tobias hadn't interpreted the innocent comment the wrong way. "Well, we've got a _lot_ to talk about and we haven't had much of a chance to be alone today, between Cassie and I having the obligatory girl talk session and Mom watching my every move. So...how do you feel about this whole thing? We didn't get to talk much about it before running off to the meeting."   
"You want the truth or something that sounds good and will protect my ego?"   
I smacked his arm. "The truth."   
He took a deep breath. "I'm scared to death. I never thought this would happen. And while I'm happy and all...I'm scared. What will happen if I get killed in a battle? Or the war is still going on when you get back to fighting and _you're_ killed? What if the Valley is found and attacked...there's so much to be worried about it kind of overpowers the good things that come out of this."   
"but no matter what happens, you'll always be there for me and the baby, right?"   
He kissed my cheek. "No matter what."   
"Then that's all I need for now. We'll worry about other things as - and if - they arise."   
He kissed me again, on the mouth this time. "I've told you I love you, right?"   
I smiled. "On numerous occasions, but I love hearing it every time." 

***  Life in the Valley went on like normal. Our parents continued to try and act like little had changed, like they were out in the normal world. Sara and Jordan were having the time of their lives since they didn't have school and we had only one big rule in the Valley - don't leave. And the Animorphs tried to stay cool even though everyone was stressed out. We hadn't heard from Erek or the other chee in ages and the last report from James' group was several weeks ago. The only time we could see them was at night and suddenly the parents had become much more protective us at night, not letting us out of their sight.   
I wonder why.   
James' group must not have liked being kept in the dark either. A week after my announcement, James showed up at night with Craig and Erica, the only three members of the new Animorphs to be cured by the morphing. They'd found Ax first, since he lived outside and was easily visible, and he collected the rest of us. We met in our 'council of war' clearing.   
"The Yeerks have targeted the hospital," Jake said without hesitation when we were all gathered. "I over heard two nurses talking about it a week ago. I would have come sooner, but security has tightened severely."   
"Shit," Jake cursed. "When are they going to start infesting? Why are they targeting you? I mean...."   
"Yeah, I know. You explained it once already," James said. "Maybe they figured out the same thing you guys did, that with the morphing technology, we'll be cured. They'll be starting any day now."   
"We need to get you out of there," Cassie said.   
"We know," Erica was sounding a little annoyed. "that's why we came to find out guys. We have 14 kids to get out of there, and since most of us have roommates who aren't in the group, we can't morph. The kids are to have to be carried, by humans, to get out of the rooms."   
"We figured maybe a few of us could be morphed and cause a distraction downstairs, keep the nurses and doctors away," Craig said. "I figure a grizzly bear -"   
I cut him off. "No. I have to sit this out."   
"What?" James demanded. He hadn't known me long, but he caught on quickly that I was the reckless one in the group. He knew I wouldn't sit out a mission voluntarily.   
So I told them my favorite new phrase. "I'm pregnant. I figure close to a month and a half now."   
"And you can't morph?" Craig asked.   
No, > Ax answered. There hasn't been extensive testing done on this, of course, but the preliminary reports I had seen before I was stranded here, and common sense, say that if Rachel attempted to morph, especially if she morphed a non mammal or a male animal of any kind, she would loose the child, as the morphing technology isn't passed from one generation to the next. >   
"So I'm out indefinitely," I concluded. "The seven-ish months until the baby is born, and then I'll need to stay with her for a while after she's born, who knows when I'll feel up to a battle."   
"She?" Erica asked.   
I shrugged. "I couldn't keep calling the baby 'it' so I arbitrarily gave her a gender. I haven't the slightest idea which it is, and I won't until she's born."   
Erica nodded. "Okay, I can understand that."   
"What is it with girls and understanding these things?" Marco asked suddenly. "Every female in this Valley, no matter their age, seems to understand everything Rachel does before she does it, while the rest of us are left in the dark."   
"Instinct," Cassie explained. "Pure maternal instinct."   
"Can we get back to the matter at hand?" Jake demanded. "When do you want us to get started?"   
"Now, if at all possible," James said. "And bring them back here?"   
Jake nodded. "Lead the way." He and the others began to morph.   
I'll be careful Rachel, > Tobias whispered before the others had completed their morphed.   
"You'd better be," I whispered back.   
Everyone ready? > Jake didn't wait for an answer to his question. Let's go. >   
I stood in the clearing, watching them leave until I couldn't see them against the night sky anymore. Wishing I could join them.   
Even though no one had officially assigned it, I knew I had a job to do while they were gone. The Valley was about to get 14 new denizens and at the moment they didn't have a place to stay.   
I ran back to the cabins and woke everybody up.   
"What do you want us to do," my mom asked when I had gathered the adults and my sisters. "build a cabin for these kids?"   
"If you have the time, yes," I snapped. "we need cots built and blankets anyone can spare. If possible, the cots should double as stretchers, only three of these kids can walk outside of their morphs.   
"Someone should work on rearranging each cabin, make as much room as possible since these guys will be rooming with us."   
"How many girls, how many boys?" Aisha asked.   
"Why does that matter?"   
"Well -"   
"Look, just because I got pregnant doesn't mean every teenagers in this Valley is looking to screw the first person of the opposite sex they meet. We're mature, we're responsible, and the group coming in has had to grow up faster than any of us. They won't be a problem. So can we please get to work?" Unlike Jake, I had no reservations about bossing the adults around when it was necessary.   
The Hork-bajir who had heard my orders began cutting branches for us. Loren, John and Jeremy began constructing the cots as quickly as the Hork-Bajir cut the branches. My mother and Aisha set to work with the long grasses the Hork-Bajir had taught us how to weave into surprisingly comfortable blankets. Sara, Jordan, Eva and I all went to the cabins to begin making room for the other Animorphs.   
By the time the first Animorphs started showing up two hours later, we had just enough room for them in our cabins, five completed cots and frames for the other nine. All of us humans in the Valley were working on weaving when I heard Erika's thought speak voice.   
Rachel, I've got the first group here. Where are you? I can't see at all in this morph. >   
We had been working in candle light, knowing we could easily get more candles, so we didn't worry too much about using them. The truly prized objects in the Valley were our two flashlights. I had kept one with me and turned it on and off several times to get Erica's attention.   
Okay, I see you, > Erica told me. Keep it on for a minute until we land. >   
I don't know if it was only a minute or if it was longer, but I felt extremely vulnerable standing there in the middle of the Valley, shining my flashlight at the ground. I kept imagining a Yeerk bug fighter would see the obviously artificial light and come down to investigate, where we were left defenseless. Even if it looked like we would be slaughtered, I couldn't morph. For all I knew, I'd morph but my baby wouldn't be affected and would...ugh, I didn't even want to complete the thought.   
But Erica landed her group safely, without incident, near me and the others. Erica was the first to demorph.   
"I don't know if you're equipped to handle us," she said in explanation. "We hadn't really thought that far ahead."   
"What do you need?"   
"There are five here, no one in the group is capable of walking."   
"We have five cots made at the moment and we're working on the others as we speak."   
"Good. Everyone demorph," erica ordered. The group complied immediately.   
It was painful to watch these kids demorph. I didn't know anyone in this group well, I could hardly match names to faces, but it was awful watching humans form from this rag-tag group of birds and instead of standing tall, collapsing to the ground, their legs unable to support their weight. I glanced over at the adults. Every pair of eyes was devoted to their work. I knew none of them liked our method of getting new Animorphs, and I'm sure this show only confirmed their beliefs that what we'd done was wrong. They'd learned a lot while in the Valley, but the adults still had trouble grasping the concept that this was a real war, with horrors and ethically questionable methods just like every other war humanity had ever fought.   
"Hey, help here!" I snapped at the adults as Erica and I lifted the first girl - Nicole? - onto a a cot/stretcher and then began carrying the whole thing towards my cabin.   
"How far behind are the others?" I asked Erica as we went back to see if the adults had sheltered the other kids yet.   
"I don't know. We had to take a roundabout route here. First we'd been ordered not to come here directly, to avoid any tails, and then I kinda got lost...but it shouldn't be too long."   
As if on cue, we heard Craig then. Where are you guys? >   
I turned to Erica. "You're going to have to morph and direct them. I don't want to waste our batteries signaling them. I know you don't have a good night morph -"   
"Don't worry," Erica cut me off. "I understand." Without hesitation she began to morph.   
I ran back to each of the cabins and hauled the adults away from tending the kids. "There's another group of for or five coming right now. They'll have to take our cots until we finish these." I half expected an argument from someone, but there wasn't one, thank God. I don't know what I'd have done.   
"Don't have anyone demorph," I ordered when Craig and Erica landed. "They'll have to be carried as birds to the different cabins, we don't have enough cots made yet." Crag began to say something, but I cut him off. "Yeah, you'll be taking over our beds, but I think your group needs them more than we do."   
Are you sure about that? > Erica asked. I knew what she meant. She thought I should have a bed just because I was pregnant.   
"I'm not _that_ pregnant," I told her as she demorphed. "I'll survive on the ground for a night." But as the group was arranged I noticed that my cot had been left unoccupied.   
After Craig's group had been situated, I mentally calculated how many beds had been taken and how many were left. 11 beds were already occupied, leaving three empty beds in my cabin, as no one had pushed the sleeping Sara and Jordan out of bed, two in Marco's cabin and one in Loren's...and there were only three more kids coming who needed beds. We weren't doing so bad after all. Jeremy, Eva and Loren would probably give up their beds with out hesitation, leaving my bed open. And of course, no one would dream of taking the bed away from me. If the remaining seven months were all going to be like this, I was going to kill someone.   
James' group didn't need help finding the Valley. He'd brought Collette, Timmy and Kelly, the kids with us from the start of this craziness. Not only had James been to the Valley several times before, but they'd had the most experience morphing, they knew how to navigate in pigeon bodies, day or night. Now that they were with us and likely to go on more missions, we'd have to get them some better bird morphs.   
Rachel! > Collette called when she saw me. She swooped and landed gracefully on my shoulder. Where were you? You never miss a fight! > Collette was a girl after my own heart. Brave and reckless, yet she had the same innocence we'd all had when we first began fighting. I prayed she'd never lose it.   
I didn't tell anyone, > James told me privately. I figured it wasn't my place to tell. > I nodded slightly, hoping he'd see.   
"It's a long story, Collette, one I don't want to tell 14 times tonight. I'll tell you later."   
14? But...James, Erica and Craig already know! >   
I sighed. "Yeah, but they had to, I had to tell them when we were planning the mission. Now come on, I'll put you in my bed -"   
Just like I'd predicted, Loren overheard me and stopped me. "No, Rachel, I'll put her in mine. You've got enough people in your cabin already." She lifted Collette from my shoulder and carried her to the cabin.   
"Where are the others?" I asked James.   
"When we left they were still fighting. It...wasn't going very well," he admitted. "I think most of the staff were controllers, some could even morph, your group was severely outnumbered."   
"Shit," I cursed, then repeated the word, and a few others, several times. "I swear, if he tries to be a hero...." I didn't finish the thought and James didn't ask. Either he figured it was none of his business, or he knew exactly what 'he' I was talking about.   
I watched the sky futilely for a moment before I turned back to James. "If you and Erica and Craig want beds tonight, one of you can take mine and I'll kick Sara and Jordan out. I'll feel really guilty if I'm the only one who hasn't done much work tonight who gets a bed."   
"You've done more than enough work, Rachel," James assured me. A lot like Jake used to. "You arranged everything here when none of us had bothered thinking about it, right? You've earned some sleep."   
"Not until I know everyone's back," I said stubbornly. "I don't need everyone treating my like a porcelain doll. I swear I won't break." And because I felt like being really stubborn, I sat down on the ground. "I'll be waiting right here." James was smart, he recognized he wasn't going to win this argument, so he left.   
I kept my eyes glued to the night sky. I began to feel a little stupid after half an hour of sitting and the candles in the cabins were being doused, but when I made a resolution, I stuck to it.   
The sky was just barely beginning to get lighter in the east when I saw them. At first I thought I was imagining things - I'd only slept about two hours that night - but there was no way five real birds of prey would be flying as close together as these five did. I couldn't help myself, I leapt up and let out a whoop of joy, waking everyone in the Valley. I must have looked crazy to the others who came out of the cabins, jumping up and down and waving at the sky, but when they saw the birds, the others began clapping and cheering too.   
When the five of them landed, I could hardly wait for Tobias to finish his morph to human before I grabbed him and gave him a hard kiss. But before long I had to step back and demand, "What the hell took you guys so long?!"   
Tobias put an arm around me as Jake explained. "Most, if not all of the staff, were controllers, some could even morph."   
"So why didn't you leave once James' group was clear?"   
"We had to keep the controllers busy, if we'd left, they would have gone to check on all the kids," Marco explained.   
"And they would have figured that 17 kids who disappeared during the fight would have been in with us. And would have followed," Cassie added.   
Tobias looked around and must have noticed James, Craig and Erica were the only new Animorphs out. "Where's everyone else?"   
"As soon as you left I got everyone here to work on building more cots. We only got five done, so I'm afraid we had to commandeer your beds. If you three want to sleep in a bed," I said to Cassie, Marco and Jake, "You can have mine, Sara's and Jordan's."   
"_You_ need to sleep," Cassie said. "Knowing you, you were up all night. So you get your bed and if everyone else is on the ground, we can be too." Marco looked like he wanted to argue that, but Cassie gave him a sharp look.   
As if the universe was conspiring against me, I yawned, proving I did need to sleep. "Fine, I'll go, since no one will leave me alone until I do. Are you all going to treat me like an invalid for the next seven months?"   
"Yes," Tobias answered, but he sweetened the remark with a kiss.   
"You can't fix everything with a kiss," I muttered.   
Tobias laughed. "Yes I can." 

***  For the first time, I truly began to hate living in the Valley. With all of the Animorphs gathered in one place now, they were planning for several hours a day. I say 'they' because it was too depressing for me to be with them for long. And any time I so much as shifted positions, every eye was on me.   
So I stayed out with the adults, which wasn't much better. The only ones who treated me like a person were Aisha, Eva and my mom, since they knew exactly what a pregnant girl could and couldn't do. It was always a refreshing break to be around them.   
In four months, the Animorphs had only been on a handful of missions. Tobias said they were being extra cautious, the Yeerks were on the look out for 23 Animorphs now. I hadn't bothered to remind him it was only 22. But their caution disturbed me. I would have been more comfortable knowing they actually _did_ something, even though I couldn't join them.   
Aisha had just pronounced me five months along when Toby found me leaving the 'doctors' cabin.   
"Rachel! How are you?" she asked.   
"Okay," I rested a hand on my slightly protruding stomach. "Aisha can't tell me nearly as much as your mother can, but she was I seem healthy."   
"Yes, my mother has a talent. And it is because of her I came to find you."   
"Is something wrong?"   
"Oh no, nothing like that," Toby assured me as we began walking, enjoying the late summer weather. "She wanted me to talk to you about an idea of hers, since she doesn't English well enough to communicate efficiently."   
"Sure, what's up?"   
"Hork-Bajir females have a tradition. Half way through the pregnancy, the mother-to-be gathers all her female friends and family together. The females who have already borne and raised children share their stories, giving advice to the mother-to-be. The females who haven't borne children give the mother their best wishes, give the child...gifts, I suppose. Talents. Traits."   
"Really?"   
"No, of course not. We aren't magical, but in earlier days it was believed these 'gifts' actually had some bearing on the child. And all the women pledge to help raise the child. Watching the child if the mother is busy, or perhaps training the child in one of the bestowed gifts. The possibilities are endless."   
"It's a baby shower."   
"Pardon?"   
"It's a custom humans have, although it's usually near the end of the pregnancy. The same things are done at a baby shower as you've described, except the gifts are usually physical things for the mother or her baby."   
"Would you be willing to have this early?"   
I shrugged. "Sure, why not?"   
"Mother will be pleased. I thought you might refuse...not all humans are receptive of different cultures. Especially alien ones."   
"Toby, you aren't alien to me anymore, you're like family. You'll be at the...what do you call this?"   
"_Aktalk_."   
"You'll be at the _aktalk_, right?"   
Toby smiled. "I'd be honored."   
"You said this was held half way through the pregnancy. I'm a littler more than half, so when should we hold it?"   
"Mother has been planning this for a week. She will be ready when you are."   
"I'll have to check if any missions are planned but tonight should work for me. I'll let you or Ket know for sure."   
"I shall see you later then." She nodded to me then left, leaving me to find Cassie and ask what was happening that evening.   
"Nothing, and I think I actually regret that," she told me. "Why? Is something wrong?"   
"No, the Hork-Bajir just want to throw me a baby shower."   
"What?"   
I told her about the _aktalk_ and how, according to Hork-Bajir custom, it should be held as soon as possible. "I figure with all they've done for us, and how Ket has helped me, going along with one of their traditions wouldn't hurt. And it sounds kinda fun."   
"Well of course I'll be there," Cassie said. "Who else are you inviting?"   
"It's just for the women, so there won't be many. Ket and Toby and you, of course, then Mom and my sisters, and your mom and Loren...and Collette."   
"Collette? Why her?"   
"I like the girl. She reminds me of myself when this first sarted...maybe it's this damn maternal instinct, but I want to protect her in a way. Keep her..." oh, damn, the tears were welling up behind my eyes. "Keep her from becoming me," I finally managed to finish.   
Once my crying would have at least startled Cassie, and scared the crap out of the others, but they'd all grown used to my completely random mood swings. Cassie just hugged me and let my cry until the tears subsided.   
"You going to be okay?" she finally asked.   
"I always am," I told her. "I'm going to go invite the others. So I'll probably see you just after sun set, back in the caves."   
Naturally all the women I invite accepted, although Mom wasn't exactly thrilled at the thought of spending an evening with 'monsters', but I _was_ her daughter, and this was the closest I'd get to an actual baby shower, unless a miracle occurred in the next four months and we won.   
Around sun set, we began gathering in the caves. I was there first, then Cassie came, then Collette in one of the crude wooden wheel chair we'd managed to make for all the new Animorphs. The last to arrive were Toby and Ket, who seemed to have a mysteriously regal aura about her, like she was a queen. I couldn't describe it, but everyone in the cave felt it.   
Toby lit a fire for us and we all sat around it, except Ket. She stood in the flickering firelight and began to speak, commanding our attention, leaving us hanging on to her every word. Tobias had told us about a similar time once, when Jara had told him the story of the Yeerk/Andalite war on the Hork-Bajir homeworld. Now I knew what he had felt, because even though Ket's english was stilted and interspersed with alien languages, I understood every word.   
"Tonight we gather before Mother Sky and Father Deep," she said. "We gather to welcome a new woman into the circle of mothers, and a new child into the world.   
"We gather her in front of her friends, her family, to share with her the secrets of raising her new child, secrets passed down from mother to mother, passed down from Mother Sky herself.   
"And to this new child, we bestow gifts as Father Deep instructed us so long ago. All children are gifts from Him and Mother Sky, and we honor them by gifting the child."   
Ket turned to my mother. "Begin."   
Mom's eyes darted around the circle, completely lost. Toby stepped in to translate. "This is where the stories begin. First the mothers will share their stories of raising children, or give Rachel advice, then the rest of us will give the child our gifts."   
Mom nodded solemnly. I guess her earlier doubts had been wiped away by Ket's beautiful speech. "I have advice for you, Rachel. _Always_ listen to your child, no matter how small or insignificant the complaint, or victory, may be. List to what she says and listen to what she _does_. Perhaps if I had been given that advice...well, a lot could have been avoided."   
I wanted to ask what she meant by that, if she meant only that we wouldn't be fighting a hopeless war or if she was openly admitting that she regretted that I was pregnant. But now wasn't the time for questions.   
Aisha went next. "My advice comes with a story. From my own childhood, Cassie, no need to panic." There was a ripple of laughter around the circle. "When I was a kid, I was endlessly curious. My grandmother nicknamed my Pandora, saying my curiosity got me, and those around me, into trouble. Whenever I let my curiosity get out of hand by their standards, I was punished, with everything from simple groundings to being hit with a belt. For awhile, I felt completely dead inside, all curiosity had been beaten out of me. Until high school when I had an absolutely incredible science teacher who fostered the little bit of curiosity I had left and encouraged me to go into veterinary medicine.   
"So my advice is to let your child be curious. Let her climb trees and capture fire flies and explore every chance she gets. You'll never regret it."   
Loren didn't have a lot of experience to draw upon, but she tried. "Mine is common sense, I'm afraid, but get to know your child while you can. You don't get to have much time with your children before they grow up and have more responsibilities, responsibilities that don't involve you." I saw tears welling up in her eyes. I knew what she was talking about. She was just beginning to get to know her son, when suddenly the war picked up and, of course, I got pregnant, adding to his responsibilities and taking him away from getting to know his mother.   
Maybe I'd been wrong. Maybe she had been making an effort to get to know Tobias after all.   
When Ket spoke, it was still with the amazing authority that made all of us instinctively understand her. "Make sure your child understands what a gift freedom is. Your child will be the first human born into a free family that knows of the Yeerks, that knows what a disease they are, and how terrifying their control is." She smiled at Toby. "Knowing you have a child to protect makes freedom taste that much sweeter."   
In the dim light I couldn't be sure, but I think Toby blushed. If Hork-Bajir can blush.   
If she had been embarrassed, Toby got over it quickly, for she was the first to bestow her gift. "Your child will have the gift of speech. For while brute strength may be good in a fight, rarely does it solve the problem. And with out speech, one may never learn anything more than violence."   
Next came Cassie. "Your child will have the gift of compassion. After all, you can speak as eloquently and peacefully as you want, but if you don't have true compassion behind your words, they will fall on deaf ears."   
Collette was the next in the circle. "With you as a mother, this should go as a no-brainer, but your child will be brave, no matter if the battles she fight are against a school yard bully or a disease, she won't back down with out putting up a good fight."   
Jordan paused for a moment before she spoke. "I didn't know what trait I could give your kid, so I'm giving her something a little different. I'm giving her love. She's going to have a pretty rough time, since she's being born in the middle of a war, so she'll need all the love she can get." She looked from Ket to Toby to me. "Is that good?"   
"Absolutely perfect, Jordan," I assured her.   
Sara was the last one. "Your kid will be playful. 'Cause...'cause it's always important to have fun." She looked around, silently seeking our approval.   
"Then it is done," Ket said. "Mother Sky and Father Deep willing, Rachel will follow the advice mothers before her have given, and the child will be blessed with the gifts this community of women and girls has bestowed."   
A gust of wind swept through the cave, blowing out the fire and ending the magical atmosphere that had been building abruptly. Toby and Ket didn't seem bothered, so I wondered if it was natural, but it felt like a huge let down to me. Like all the magic in the cave, the sense of community I'd forged with everyone there in such a short time, had been literally blown out.   
Toby re-lit the fire and that helped a little, but the magic was gone.   
"What do we do now?" Loren asked.   
"Now it's just a regular gathering," Tobias said. "We talk, we laugh, just like we would at any other time."   
"But it's different now," Cassie said quietly. "I can feel it."   
"Yes. We connected now," Ket said. I hardly recognized her now. The mysterious aura was gone, it didn't seem possible that the same being who delivered beautiful soliloquies usually talked like a two year old human child. "A...community. All linked. To eachother and the baby."   
"Well, we all know I'm about as perceptive as a rock," I grumbled. "I don't feel any different."   
"It will come. In time," Ket said, and as she spoke, I felt a hint of it. Some of the mystery was back around her, and I was aware - almost psychically, I think - of the others around me. But it was faint. I may have imagined it.   
We stayed in the cave for most of the night, though one by one people left throughout the night until at dawn Cassie and I were the only ones left in the cave.   
"That was absolutely amazing," she told me ad we sat in front of the dying embers of the fire, huddled together for warmth. It was August, but it was cold in the pre dawn night in the cave.   
"Yeah," I agreed. "Thanks for coming. And for the gift." I laughed. "If even half of those gifts come true, I'm going to have a very eclectic kid. Articulate, compassionate, brave, playful and loved."   
"Just like her mother."   
I snorted. "Right."   
"What? You don't believe you're all of those things, and more?"   
"Compassionate and playful aren't words applied to me often."   
"Maybe not often, and maybe they aren't applied now, but as a kid you were definitely playful. You and I were just like Sara. And as for compassion...you hide it, but it's there."   
"I wish I was as sure as you are."   
"I'll be sure enough for the both of us then, until you learn it for yourself. C'mon, we should get some sleep before facing the day. Pregnant mothers need their sleep, you know."   
"Yes, Doctor," I said. We laughed and walked back to our cabins. 

***  Two months passed uneventfully, like the months before it, although the other Animorphs did begin going on more missions than they had been.   
Both Aisha and Ket agreed I needed to start restricting my activities. I was young, my body was still growing, so it wasn't fully prepared to have a baby. If I continued doing heavy physical tasks and kept my stress levels high, it was guaranteed I'd lose my baby. So I spent most of my time down by the river, doing simple, mindless tasks, like weaving or sewing. I even wrote a little. I figured that at the rate the war was going, there was still going to be plenty of time for me to see some action after my maternity leave. But I knew that with every mission, there was a good chance I wouldn't come back, so I wrote to my child, letters about me, about Tobias, what I hoped would be our future together. Just long, one-sided conversations.   
One afternoon, when I was just under eight months pregnant, I was out by the river, alone, writing, this time telling about all the members of the Valley, my child's surrogate family.   
The Animorphs were out on a rare daytime mission. It was strange how I thought of them as a separate group now, like I had never been a part of them, it had been that long since I'd been on a mission with them. In fact I interrupted one train of thought in my writing to include that, as I often did in my writing, to lend a sense of realism to the letters. It was while I was writing that that I felt a sharp pain in my stomach. At first I thought it was simply a harder-than-usual kick, but it was followed by a feeling that I'd been told about enough times that there was no mistaking it.   
"Shit," I muttered. It was the only word that came to mind, I had froze mentally. I was supposed to have another month!   
"Mom!" I shouted. "Aisha! Somebody get down here now!"   
Mom, Aisha and the other adults came running out of the cabins. Mom was the first to reach me.   
"What is it?" she asked.   
"I think my water broke," I told her. "But it's too early!"   
Aisha cursed. It shocked me for a moment, I'd never heard her swear before. "I was afraid this would happen." She turned to John and Jeremy, "Go get one of the stretchers we made a few months back. I don't want Rachel walking at the moment." To Eva she said, "Get me clean rags. And hot water." Then she turned to Loren. "Get Ket Halpak. Tell her what's happening and get her here _now_, with any stuff she has." And to Mom she said, "You stay here with her. You know she's going to need it."   
It was all I could do not to scream when a contraction hit. I had told myself I wasn't going to be reduced to a sobbing mess like the women on TV always were during labor, but if all the contractions were going to be that bad I didn't know if my resolve would hold out.   
John and Jeremy returned first. I was carefully lifted onto the stretcher and carried to Aisha's cabin.   
Eva came next, with towels and a pot of scalding water. Loren was the last human to come in, followed closely by Ket, who was carrying a pouch of what I prayed was some kind of anesthetic.   
"Men, leave," Aisha ordered sharply when everyone was gathered around me. "Watch Sara and Jordan, keep them out. If the kids return, keep everyone but Cassie out." She looked to me, "Unless there's anybody else you'd like in here?"   
Another contraction hit, and it's a miracle I didn't break Mom's hand. "If he can handle it, Tobias can come in."   
"Ket, do you have anything to deaden the pain?" Aisha asked.   
Ket nodded and pulled a plant out of her pouch. She held it to my mouth and gave me a simple command: "Eat." I obeyed. Whatever it was, it tasted awful. I'd never tasted anything so vile in my life, but that's the thing about medicine: the worse it tastes, the better it is for you. The medicine Ket gave me worked wonders, with in minutes I couldn't feel anything from the waist down. I only felt minor discomfort when I had a contraction, nothing I couldn't handle.   
Two hours into the labor, the group came back. Like usual, they were broadcasting their conversation so I could hear, they liked to keep me involved in the group in every small way they could.   
Where is everybody? > Marco asked.   
Maybe in the woods? > Jake suggested.   
Everyone? > Cassie sounded skeptical.   
There's John and Jeremy with Sara and Jordan, > James said. You don't think.... >   
Shit, > Tobias said. I smiled at that. Trust Tobias to jump to a worst case scenario conclusion. John! Jeremy! Where's Rachel? > I couldn't hear their answer, of course, but I heard Tobias' response well enough.   
Oh, God. Rachel! I'm coming! >   
Less than a minute later, Tobias burst into the cabin.   
"Hi," I greeted him casually from my place on the cot. "Good to have you here. I believe you've met my nurses." I think the drug Ket had given me was messing with my head a little.   
"What's happening? It's too early!" Tobias said angrily, like it was someone's fault I was in labor.   
"This happens with teenagers who get pregnant," Aisha explained. "Rachel's body isn't developed enough to hold a baby to term."   
"But what about the baby? Is she alright?"   
"We won't know that until she's born."   
Tobias held my left hand, since Mom still hadn't let go of my right. "You seem so...calm," he observed.   
I nodded to Ket, who was observing the whole scene from a corner. "She gave me a really nasty tasting drug, and I don't feel a thing. It's a miracle. I don't know _how_ women do with without drugs."   
"Neither do I," Mom, Aisha and Eva said in unison. The four of us laughed, sharing our private joke.   
Cassie ran in then. "Dad said you wanted me in here. What do you need?"   
"At the moment, nothing," Aisha answered. "But in an hour, at the most, I think this baby is going to be born, and I want someone with me who's had experience of some kind at this end of the delivery table."   
An hour was a very conservative estimate. Only half an hour had passed when Aisha gave me the order to push. Evidentially, the baby wasn't going to go by any time table we could come up with. She wanted to be born, and she wanted to be born _now_.   
I guess he was curious about what was happening, because once Aisha announced she saw the baby's head, Tobias let go of my hand and moved to stand by Aisha. A mistake on his part. One look at the messy process and he looked about ready to faint, he retreated back to his seat next to me and held my hand tighter than ever.   
Half an hour after the first frantic "Push!" command, Aisha was holding my baby while Cassie cut the umbilical cord. Cassie looked up at me with tears in her eyes. "You've been right all along. It's a girl."   
Tobias and I looked at eachother in shock for a moment, then I began to cry too. "Can I hold her?"   
"Of course," Aisha said and she gently placed my daughter in my arms.   
_My daughter_.   
"She's so small," Tobias whispered.   
"Too small," I agreed. "And she isn't crying." I looked up at Aisha. "Isn't she supposed to cry?"   
"Not all do," she told me.   
I looked back down at my tiny, tiny daughter. And I noticed something else. "Aisha, somebody, dammit, she isn't breathing right! She's struggling."   
Panic was beginning to set into my mind. The relaxed feeling Ket's drug had given me was gone, leaving plenty of room for fear and panic.   
"She's over a month premature," Aisha told me. "She's going to have a rough start." She took my daughter from me and placed her in the cradle John had made for her. "I'm afraid I can't do anything for her. She'll have to fight it on her own."   
I turned to Ket. "Can't you do anything?" She only shook her head sadly. "No!" I cried. "No, no," I began sobbing uncontrollably. "Someone _has_ to help her. She is going to be okay, she _has_ to be okay!"   
Tobias put his arms around me, but he was shaking, he was just as scared as I was. "She'll be okay," he told me quietly, but the promise sounded hollow to me. 

***  Once Tobias and I had calmed down, the other Animorphs were told of out daughter's birth - and how she apparently had a breathing problem. They were allowed to come in one at a time to see us, offering meaningless words of comfort for us.   
Except for Collette, her words gave me hope. "She's going to be a brave girl," she reminded me of her gift. "No matter if her battles are against a school yard bully or a disease." Her words sent me into a new bout of tears, and the others who hadn't seen us yet were told they'd have to wait.   
The sleeping arrangements had to be altered that night. We didn't want to move my daughter back to my cabin, so I was going to stay in Aisha's cabin with her. Aisha and Cassie would be there the entire time, to help out where they could. John would be staying, also, to provide support for Tobias since he was staying with me. The Animorphs who had been staying with them were squeezed into the other cabins, but they didn't complain. They knew better than anyone that sacrifices had to be made for the sick.   
Despite everyone's orders, I didn't sleep at all that first night. I either stood over my daughter's cradle, or sat next to it, watching my daughter and listening to her ragged breathing. Aisha said if she made it through the first night her chances of survival improved.   
Tobias slept fitfully, both as a human and a hawk. Around dawn, he morphed human and gave up on sleep entirely. He stood next to me silently with an arm around my waist.   
"I chose a name," I told him quietly, to keep from waking the others. "Susan Thea."   
"Where'd you come up with that?"   
I shrugged. "Susan is just a nice, sensible, strong name. I got Thea from a baby book a long time ago, back when Cassie and I would dream about what we'd name our kids. We came up with some pretty crazy names." I laughed slightly. "For awhile I was going to have twins named Denim and Lace. God, can you imagine how much therapy kids with names like that would need?" I sobered quickly. "But when I found Thea, I couldn't get it out of my head. It's Greek. It means Goddess."   
Tobias held me closer. "Susan Thea. I like it." 

***  Susan survived the night, giving everyone in the Valley a glimmer of hope.   
I stayed by her all day, never leaving her side despite the numerous suggestions to do otherwise. Tobias was with me most of the time, except for when he had to hunt as a hawk, and when I forced him to go to a meeting, even though everyone said he should stay with me. I guess I had a double standard.   
Jake came to see me after the meeting, he was one of the people who hadn't come the day before.   
"I hear she has a name now," he said.   
"Susan Thea," I told him.   
We stood in silence for a moment, watching Susan struggle for each breath, unable to do anything to help her.   
"I'm glad you didn't listen to me," Jake said finally. "She may be having a hard time now, but if she's anything like her parents, she'll pull through."   
I smiled at Jake, perhaps for the first time since he'd made his little 'suggestion.' "Thanks, Jake."   
Susan began making gasping, hiccuping sounds. Jake looked scared out of his mind, and Susan wasn't even his daughter!   
"Relax, that's how she sounds just before she starts to cry. Really loud. She scared me doing it, too." Gently, I picked Susan up and carried her to my bed. I sat down just as she began to wail. I smiled tiredly. "I think she's hungry, you might want to go."   
Jake still looked a little scared for, or perhaps of, Susan, but he nodded and left. Rather quickly, I noted with amusement. Tobias usually did the same thing when I nursed Susan. _That_ one was the mystery to me.   
Mom came in while I was nursing Susan and laughed a little when she saw us. "That would be the reason Jake left in such a hurry I guess."   
"Yeah, first she scared him with her gasping, then I scared him saying she wanted to eat. Guess that's a scary topic among guys."   
"Most things about new babies are. Tobias has done a wonderful job; staying with you, holding Susan occasionally. Your father passed out in the delivery room and then refused to hold you until we got home because he was so scared of hurting you."   
"He didn't act that way with Sara and Jordan."   
"Well he'd had you to practice on. You were turning out okay so he felt better about your sisters."   
I looked down at Susan, now asleep in my arms. "I think I'm still in shock. I can't quite believe she's real. That she's really mine."   
"That doesn't change, no matter how many children you have. It's a miracle every time."   
I put Susan back in her cradle and was about to sit back down and watch her when I felt Mom's hands on my shoulders. "You're going outside," she told me. "Get some fresh air, relieve some stress, sleep. Come back in no less than half an hour."   
"But I want to stay with her!"   
"I know you do, but if you stay in here constantly you're going to get yourself sick, then you won't be able to see Susan at all." I didn't want to admit it, but I knew she was right. I complained as she pushed me out, but secretly welcomed the break.   
I went back to my cabin and found it empty. I yawned, realizing then how tired I really was, then crawled onto my cot for what I assumed was going to be a short nap, but it was several hours later when I felt someone shaking me awake.   
"I have to go," Tobias told me. "We have some spying to do."   
I nodded, still a little groggy from my nap. I hugged him. "Come back," was my simple command.   
"I always do."   
I laid back down when he left, telling myself it would only be for a moment and then I'd go back to Susan. I didn't wake up until sunset, when I heard the first shout.   
I jumped out of bed and was out of the cabin in a flash, adrenaline and instinct taking over since I figured this was an attack of some kind. I wondered if I'd be able to morph to defend everyone left here if I had to.   
But it wasn't a raid. There were no bug fighters in the air, no Taxxon and Hork-Bajir controllers coming through the trees. Yet someone was still shouting.   
Mom.   
She was with Susan still.   
Shouting for Aisha.   
I ran to the cabin, faster than I had ever run in my life and arrived just as Aisha did.   
"What's wrong?" I demanded as I rushed to Susan's cradle.   
"She stopped breathing," Mom told me, her voice was shaking.   
Aisha pushed us out of the way and took Susan to the bed where she began performing CPR on my daughter.   
I watched in silence, Mom holding me close. Tears were running down both our faces. I don't know about her, but my eyes were locked on Susan's tiny chest, watching for any sign of life.   
After five agonizing minutes, Aisha set Susan down for the last time. "I'm sorry, Rachel. There's nothing I can do."   
"No!" I screamed. "You _can_ do something, you _have _to!" I picked up Susan's limp body. "go get Ket. Maybe she can do something. You can't give up! You _can't_!" I began sobbing.   
Mom sat next to me. "Rachel, there's nothing Ket could do either. She doesn't work miracles and probably wouldn't know how to revive a baby. It's been too long. We can't bring her back."   
"No," I said again, quieter this time. I held Susan tighter and racked back and forth, quietly repeating "No" and praying that what Mom and Aisha was saying wasn't true. It _couldn't_ be true. Susan had had eight months to prepare for life. A month less than most babies, but she still should have been able to survive!   
"I never got to know her," I said through my tears. "I never got to tuck her in bed, or sing her a lullaby. We never played on a playground or...or...." I couldn't speak any more. I started crying loudly again. Mom hugged me while Aisha took Susan from my arms and placed her back in her cradle for the last time. I closed my eyes and cried into Mom's shoulder.   
I don't know how much time had passed before Tobias came in. Maybe only minutes, maybe hours. I was still sitting with Mom, crying quietly, though the tears themselves were spent.   
We both looked at Tobias. His face was blank, like he didn't know how to react to the news that I assume Aisha had given him. He sat down next to me and Mom, seeing I had someone else to comfort, or at least stay with me, left.   
"I'm sorry I wasn't here," he said quietly.   
"What could you have done? Cry and scream with me? I did enough for both of us."   
"I'm sure you did."   
We sat in silence again, just staring at Susan's cradle. "What do we do now?" he finally asked.   
"What do you mean?"   
"We've devoted the last seven months to getting ready for Susan. And now that...that she's...gone...what are we going to do?"   
I shrugged. "Try to go back to normal? We'll...we'll have to bury her, I guess. And then we need to try to," I took a steadying breath, "return to normal. I'll rejoin the group and we'll have the Yeerks beat before the year is over." Neither of us laughed at my bravado, but I thought I saw the shadow of a smile cross Tobias' face for a moment. I figured that was a start. 

***  We buried Susan the next day. Everyone in the Valley came, human, Hork-Bajir and Andalite. Not that there was much to do. Susan had been a day old, we couldn't exactly give her a eulogy, much as I would have loved to.   
After we buried the tiny casket, those who hadn't had a chance yet offered their condolences to Tobias and I.   
Both of us were a mess. I thought I'd have spent my tears by then, but I still had plenty left for the burial. Tobias wasn't sobbing like I was, but he did have a few tears on his cheeks. I didn't blame him for not crying like me, he hadn't been as close to Susan as I had. He hadn't carried her for eight months, feeling every move and kick first hand, and of course he hadn't been there when she died. He'd probably spent more of her life away from her than with her. So I cried more than enough for both of us.   
I spent the rest of that day and all of the next in bed, crying silently this time and not letting anyone come see me.   
I hadn't ever seriously wanted to be a mother. When I was younger, it was an abstract concept and as I got older I decided I didn't want the responsibility of raising kids. The news that I was pregnant had excited me, despite my old misgivings, but it had scared me, too. Originally I vowed not to get too attached, but I had. First Jake's suggestion that I abort my baby, and the _aktalk_, and as I gradually felt Susan growing inside me...I fell in love before I even saw her. And then she was suddenly and unfairly taken away from me.   
Two days after Susan's burial, I woke from a nap to see Cassie sitting beside my bed. "What are you doing here?" I muttered. "I told Mom not to let anyone in."   
"You mom's not here."   
"Go away. I want to be alone."   
Cassie sighed. "I can understand that, but it's not healthy for you to stay in here all the time. You need to get out sometime. And now...we have a mission. Jake sent me to see if you were up to coming with us."   
Up to a mission? Any other time I would have jumped at the chance, but now I knew I'd only be a liability to the group.   
"I can't, Cassie. I'm...too tired."   
"You? Too tired?" I looked up to see Marco entering the cabin. "You've never been too tired. You'd have gone with us up to the day Susan was born."   
"Yeah, well, a lot has changed."   
Marco sat down on the edge of the cot. "You're right, a lot has. You've grown up, RAchel, all of us can see that. But my parents like to tell me growing up means taking responsibility. You have a responsibility, a _duty_, to help us out."   
"I'm not Nice Rachel, Marco. Duty means nothing to me."   
"Yes it does. It always has. I know you're hurting Rachel, but fighting has always been therapy for you."   
"I've seen enough death for awhile, thank you."   
Marco stared at me for a moment in disbelief. "You're scared, aren't you?"   
"You're in dangerous territory," I warned.   
"Only because I'm right."   
"Marco, this probably isn't the best time," Cassie whispered.   
"There's no better time than now," Marco said angrily. "Rachel, you're a lot of things, but a coward isn't one of them. But if you insist on staying here -"   
"Coward?" I asked. I sat up and glared at Marco. "_I'm_ a coward? Tell me, what's cowardly about what I've done. I'm 16 and I have had a baby. I _could_ have had an abortion and avoided a lot of pain, but no, I did what I thought was right and I kept the pregnancy. I gave up everything I loved for my baby. I quit fighting the Yeerks, I sat around this Valley, doing nothing months, Marco. _Months_. And then what happened? What was my reward for being the best mother-to-be I knew how to be? My daughter was born premature, she couldn't breathe right. But I didn't give in to despair then. I stayed with my daughter, praying for a miracle. But I didn't get one, did I? I'm 16, and I've already had to bury a child when I'm hardly more than a kid myself. So excuse me for taking a break from it all, Marco, but I think I deserve one." I laid back down, hoping they'd get the point and leave, but Marco was bent on being a stubborn SOB.   
"You're scared something bad is going to happen again and you won't be able to handle it."   
I jumped back up and lunged at Marco. We both fell off the cot and I pinned him to the floor. "You have a lot of nerve, don't you, telling me how I feel when you have no idea, not _one_, what I've been through. This is something your parents tell you you'll understand when _you_ become a parent, that hell isn't the Yeerk pool, it's watching your child die when you know that you _could_ have saved her. You _could_ have, if the Yeerks hadn't come and fucked with your life. I'm just not going to let them do it again. That's not being a coward, that's looking out for myself."   
"Oh, so now you're selfish!"   
"Maybe I am. Are you happy now?"   
"No, because I thought you were better than that."   
"Sorry to disappoint you," I spat.   
"Well, I suppose that's something I'll have to learn to live with, because if you're going to give up now, I won't have any reason _not_ to be disappointed in you again."   
I sat back, resting my weight on his legs. "Why is this so important to you?"   
"Because the Animorphs haven't been the same since you left. We haven't gone on many missions because _we_ are scared. We don't know what to do without you. We have a mission planned, a big one, and we need you more than ever. We're going to go on this mission whether you're with us or not, but if you're not there, I can't guarantee we'll all come back."   
"Marco!" Cassie gasped.   
We ignored her. "And when could you make that guarantee before?"   
"When we knew we were coming back to someone who'd be with us if she could. But if all we have waiting for us is someone who's given up...what incentive do we have to come back at all?"   
I stared at Marco for a moment, trying to figure out just what the hell it was he was trying to do. Did he really care about me, or was something in this for him.   
But then again, did that really matter?   
I felt a smile tug at my lips, and before long I was laughing so hard I had tears running down my cheeks. Tears of joy for once.   
Marco was laughing too, while Cassie just looked on confused. "Would you two please let me in on the joke?"   
"Marco, I owe you one, I really do," I told him once I could speak again.   
"I know you do. And I even have an idea on what I'd like, but I think Tobias would be mad enough as it is if he found us like this."   
I hit his shoulder. "If I wasn't feeling so much better, you'd get a lot worse than that." But I stood up and helped him stand. "So what's the mission?"   
"There isn't one," Marco said.   
"What?!" Cassie and I asked.   
"It was Tobias' idea, actually. He knew you needed to get out, so he talked to Jake and me and we figured the only way to get you out was a big important mission. Then we drafted in Cassie, not telling her about the plan, we wanted her to be as honest as possible, if we could gently persuade you that would be great, but we figured you'd be stubborn so we'd have to goad you into it. And, of course, I was cast in the part."   
"I'm going to have a long talk with that boyfriend of mine," I grumbled.   
"Same here," Cassie agreed.   
"Just so long as talking is all that's done," Marco said pointedly. "I don't want to relive the last eight months for several more years. With either of you."   
"Aw, Marco, you care," I mocked.   
"Yeah, well, don't tell anyone. I have a reputation to keep up." He and Cassie left then, probably so Marco could brag about his success.   
With them gone, the energy level in the room dropped, I suddenly felt like lying back down and continuing my mourning, but then I remembered what Marco had called me for doing that. That was the cowards way out. I knew he hadn't really meant what he'd said, but his words were true. I thought about Susan for the first time without the urge to have a breakdown. Was this what I could have wanted _her_ to do in the face of adversity? If she was watching from heaven or somewhere, would I want her to see her mother as a nervous wreck?   
The answer to that was simple enough.   
I looked around the cabin that had been my self-imposed prison for the last few days. I probably wouldn't be able to enter the room again without remembering this time, just as I'd never be able to go to Cassie's cabin again without remembering Susan's birth and death, and the caves would always hold the memories of the _aktalk_. But my cabin wasn't just a place where I'd mourned, it was where I'd made a victory as well. I'd been lost, not sure what to do or where to go next, and then my friends had pulled me back from the brink.   
I sighed in contentment, still feeling an ache at the loss of Susan, but happy knowing I could beat it. Could and would, because I was stronger than my pain, and though it had seemed impossible that I'd ever recover from my loss, I knew that miracles were truly happening every day. 


End file.
